What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:28
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why does Rahul Gandhi have so many haters?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot live in the past .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Have you ever dealt with a Christian narcissist?
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Would this be the day?
Comes on , in middle age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What is a fun psychological trick to try on someone?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I don,t even have a pension.
Ive learnt so much.
Why don't we hear our own snoring?
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I'm straight, so why do I love watching guys cum?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was scared of men, in general
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is soul school!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We all went to grammer schools
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She married twice! .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
All the time i was locked up.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I have no regrets .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So, i spoilt her more .
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She found it foreign!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I said to her
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were not on the streets..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!